Nice Guys are dependent on external validation and avoid conflict like the plague. Over time I came to see, that like me, the road map of these passively pleasing men unconsciously influenced every area of their lives.Ī Nice Guy’s primary goal is to make other people happy. You’ll make some lucky woman very happy some day.” Only to hear something like, “You’re such a great guy. They patiently waited, hoping the women they desired would quit lamenting over “jerks” and wake up to see what great men they were. These guys helped out and listened to women talk about their problems. The guys who either couldn’t get a date or who were deeply entrenched in the friend zone with the women they desired. I began to notice other men who seemed to be a lot like me. I was sure the map was accurate, but no matter how hard I tried, it never got me to my desired destination.Īs my personal awareness increased, an interesting thing happened. It was like I was trying to navigate my away around Seattle with a map of San Francisco. I came to realize that the road map I had been using my entire life was extremely flawed and incapable of helping me get what I wanted. I began to learn about things like boundaries, self-care, self-soothing, and honesty. I slowly began to see how my “Nice Guy” behavior was not only not getting me what I wanted in my relationship, it was actually doing great damage. When it became apparent that our relationship wasn’t working well for either of us, I decided (actually, she gave me an ultimatum, “Go to counseling or I’m leaving.”) to join a men’s group and get some counseling.
I was passive aggressive – expressing my pent up feelings and resentments in “humor,” put downs, sarcasm, and backhanded jabs. I sought external validation from other women.
I avoided conflict and withheld any information – including my feelings and wants – that I thought might rock the boat or start a fight.